Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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