my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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