Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
