I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
