i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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