apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
