Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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