I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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