My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
