I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
