Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
