My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
