he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
