im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
