if you like me you must not know who I am
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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