I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
