Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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