I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
ttyl tear gas
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
