I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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