there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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