When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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