i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
