This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
