Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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