If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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