I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
