your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
