wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
