Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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