I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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