I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
