I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
