me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
