You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
