He uses pillows to masturbate.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We're too hungover to prance.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
