I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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