Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
