Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
