Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
