just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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