I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
