Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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