oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
