I accidentally had phone sex last night
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
