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I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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