have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
