Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
