I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
