In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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