This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
